I confess: I wasn't going to do a Sunday (Monday!) Confessions, but a couple of things made me want to:
1. The other awesome ladies Becky and Heather (and usually Meg) who participate in this Sunday Confessions thing, organized by Becky, sharing pieces of their lives, sometimes fun, sometime honest and relatable, sometimes sad. I've found blogging difficult the past couple of weeks but when I read blogs that just share, honestly what someone is up to, they make me feel better. Sometimes all the other stuff to do with crafting a blog makes me feel inadequate and like a not very good blogger.
2. I had a weird blog traffic spike from Israel this week - anyone else? Over a thousand in one day! Whatever you are liking Israel (or spam-bots?), lemme know and I'll do it more!
3. The other thing that made me want to write a little bit today and then crawl back in my hole is that on both my Twitter and Gmail there were articles about Endometriosis and how under-diagnosed and basically crap it is. Now, I have been cleared of having Endometriosis and also PCOS a few years ago, I had the uterine scan, I had the laparoscopy. Nothing obvious seems to be wrong with me.
This does not change the fact that my periods and PMS (they call it PMT here) have gotten progressively more hellish in the past few years. I can't be on the Pill anymore because I had a blood clot in my leg a few years ago. I don't want a coil because I've read scary things about them and I just feel like with my medical history/luck it probably wouldn't go well.
Lately it all feels depressingly out of my control. I have had a period for two weeks now, not including the week of cramps that led up to this marathon of my very own Uterine Blood Moon! (bwa ha ha sorry! Um yeah our moon was white and then disappeared behind a cloud, did anyone else see it?).
I know that if I go to the doctor they will say "Hmm...see if it happens again" because that's what they said the last time. Nothing looks wrong or unhealthy, my hormones always test normal. But of course I can't help feeling like they are missing something, like I'm slipping between the cracks. It could "just" be peri-menopause, which at 40 isn't ideal but at this point I'm kind of done. I'm tired of feeling like no one can help me with things that I know are not right.
Anyway sorry it's all a bit blah! Plus the actual thought crossed my mind "If I start being aggressive/forceful about them investigating my uterus again right now, it will ruin my holiday in a month if they find something". My one period of warmth and sunshine a year, I don't want to be stressing about my stupid body. Once you've had cancer you become really weirdly fatalistic and kind of don't give a shit (sorry, I have no swear filter at this point, completely on my last tether!) if your health is messing with your other life priorities. Like if someone said I was sick again I would say "Tough, it can wait, I have beaches to lie on and poodles to pet!". I'm just done. Now if only my period would be.
|I loved when Nick and Schmidt of New Girl were sharing their love of Cathy this week!|